Staircase wit
Here's your one last chance to get your licks in! Send us your story, tell us what happened, let us commiserate with you over your lame response... and then you can stun us with the clever, biting response you would have most certainly made had you had just a little more time to think!
Read these stories and their accompanying after-the-fact rejoinders, and then submit your own! Maybe you didn't think to say it then, but you can say it now — share with us the kind of wit you can exhibit if only you have a moment to compose your thoughts.
Click here to submit your own story!
Here are our stories retold,
albeit with pithier endings:
From Carlita:
The Hills Are Alive
What happened: One day while I was in tenth grade, I went up to the history teacher's desk to ask a question about some stuff we were studying. Well, when I was bending over to point to something in the book, I started hearing these sniggers from my classmates, and realized that a button on my blouse had come undone, giving the male teacher a full view of my department-store bra and tiny high-school breasts. The teacher was real shy and bookish, maybe even gay, but that didn't stop the catcalls, "Show them things, baby!" "Show-off slut!" etc., etc.
What I said: You don't really think I could speak? I turned super red and walked back to my desk. If I would have had a self-destruct button, I would have pushed it, I would have disappeared myself. It was awful. I was mortified.
What I SHOULD have said: "Oh, shut up already and grow up, everybody. You're making a mountain out of a mole hill!"
Comments (25)
From Angela:
The Witch and the Wardrobe
What happened: I have to go this wedding in a couple of months, and I've been stumped for a dress, because it's going to be outside in what promises to be gorgeous spring weather. My not-rich-enough but certainly thin enough coworker, I'll call her Esmerelda, has seized on this. Even though she is a size 4 and I'm a 10 (please believe that I am a 10), she had the nerve the other day to tell me about this dress she has that would be just perfect, and just bubbled all over herself, offering to lend it to me, and saying that the size difference was no big deal, lie, lie, lie, and in the end, insisting, "Listen, I really, really want you to come over to my house right after work and try on this dress."
What I said: I stammered something about really thinking that it just wouldn't fit, really, really, but thanks, I'm sure it's perfect for her but I really couldn't, besides I was too busy, etc.
What I SHOULD have said: "Why?"
Comments (25)
From Melinda:
What happened: Today I was carrying my huge folio and an even bigger painting under my arms while waiting for the bus. Two girls were running towards the bus that was coming to the stop and barely made it, while I made my way up the stairs with my stuff. The two girls starting grumbling about how long I was taking and as one of them was talking my painting slipped, making me take even LONGER to make my way down the bus. One of them sniped "Hurry the f*** up! We don't have all day!"
What I said: Um, sorry...
What I SHOULD have said: Maybe if you actually helped me instead of mouthing off about not helping me we'd all be happy!
Or:
No. *Purposely takes longer*
Comments
From LoZfan03:
What Goes Around
What happened: I was in a small group discussion, and the leader disliked me for some reason. The topic was times where we can relax. The leader somewhat crudely mentioned alone time in the bathroom. When my turn came, I mentioned lying in bed after just waking up. Jerk leader confronts me in front of everyone and asks "what, are you going to invite all your friends to enjoy that with you?"
What I said: ...no?
What I SHOULD have said: No, are you stupid? Are you going to invite everyone to your bathroom time?
Comments (1)
From Miranda:
The Children were more mature than him...
What happened: I work at Chuck E Cheese and this guy came in during one of the busiest times he could be there. He is waiting in line and I run up from the back to help the other cashiers. I say "I can help you here sir." He begins to go off on me about how long the lines are and how long it took me to come up and help. He is using the foulest language I had ever heard in there. I was trying to help him and trying to keep everything moving while apologizing profusely. Finally he flipped me off and took his tray.
What I said: Have a "Magical" Day! (which was actually pretty good and I think he deserved it.
What I SHOULD have said: I'm sorry but is your mommy here, we can't have four year olds in here by themselves.
Comments (1)
More stories (click title for full story):
Consider the source...
Window Shopping
Great Power, No Responsibility?
Get your facts straight
Oops, worng section.
Tooth and Male
A Right Pair
I know...
No, I'm just fat
I AM... not your father.
YES, my face hurts!
Four Hands
How badly did I want him?
Life in the Fast lane
Yo momma redux
Wasting Steps
Center Part
Meeting Lady Di
Evil costume
Swing first, talk later
So is your mum
A student walks into a bar...
Don't mind if I do
Birds, birds, birds.
rfBCHuOFLbLyGx
wtTWEAShCLIxENHWRp
VOtktfjSjadUWeINve
Born ultimatum
Sorry, Wrong Number!
6 Feet Under
Trouble with numbers
Dead-beat Dad Can Afford Wii
Bad-Taste Beau
Mrs. Edwards
Cleaner Floors.
"Drugs and prostitution."
A Counting French Teacher
*COUGH CHOKE*
Cherries On Top
The So-Called Friend
im not gay!
It's for you
Boys...
Cafe Rage
Oh debatable.
Inspection day
Folger?! I hardly know her!
You're following one
How 'bout that stick in YOUR eye?
Out Of Focus
So THAT'S why the grass looks greener...
What I SHOULD have said for the "What I should have said..."
Super Happy Kitten Fun Time
COW!!
The Booty Call
You are as good as paper
The Twisted Sex Talk
The customer thinks they are always right ya know.
working birthday
a racist retort
Man Boobs
An Announcement at School
Hey dad!
Blow is just an expression
Cheap Thrills
to boobear
Who's Looking?
A Googol of Hatred
Scientific truth
faggot
Here have some pizza
Give credit where it is due
Fairy Tale Ending...
Punch!
Threesome
Wrap Twice, Walk Once
Gas station bastard
Luke I am original
High School is a bitch.
Whats it to you?!
GHD = Good Hair Day?
Soundbites
Little White Lies
I'm Fogcutter Guy
unlikely peare
YOU ARE FREE
JOBLESS & DEPENDENT
Supertramp
Stop Shoulding On Yourself (props to Albert Ellis)
T-shirt?
Young enough to know enough
Kiosk Kaos
Checkout blues
Learned my lesson
Too Many Girlfriends
Gosh, no thanks
umm...
"Sorry, I thought you were 8"
Straight A's cuz I do Drugs...
Horns, Halos, and wives....... oh my!
Unanswerable questions
Foreign relations
Kung Fu fighting
at the coatroom
I'm pretty sure..
Causes Of Depression
If I was five...
Facial Hair
psh..i'm not a bear
Short Changed
Birthmark
Are you yelling at me?
Cat-fight
wigger hitting on me!
Happy to get out of there
Jealous of you?
size matters
what would happen if i did some stuff
Stupid Phone People..
Short boys give bad excuses
Stupid people..
Dinner at the Dumpster
Small town= stuck up people
Comparing Records
Taking a stand
Your boyfriend doesn't think so....
Hannibal and the...Girl Scout
hitler re-incarnate
Broken Window
damn you chavs!
Crazy woman at a gas station
Retards 'R' Us
Here's Your Sign
A strange trip to Amsterdam
Jerk Store
I wish I was Brazilian!!
The Venician Deaf
You can fix it.....
Cinema Crazy!!
10-4 Good Buddy
Average Idiot.
Bathroom etiquette
Oh yes I can...
YOU SUCK!
wow im a freshmen
One chance to use my high school learning...
Damn cops
You Gay?
Dumb Fat Girl
Police come back.
Stereotypes
Freudian Quip
on holding the punk right.
Marine Recruiter
Staples oh Snap!
What did YOU get?
Oh, drivers ed
Car trouble
If you do this, I will kill you
Return trip
Angel conquered
Jockeying for Position
Missed opportunities
Say what?
I bet you do...
fun with fruit
you don't look 18 to me
Racist? Of course...
Style Denial
For $50, I can't get any condiments?
The little train that DID!
Save our children
Spousal Abuse
Welcome to Europe.....
Its not you...its your mom
Drugs? Yes please!
By myself?
Crack is Whack
No, you're talking about yourself...
Don't break the camera! D:
They're prescription
Ding-dong...."No, god here"
want a lick?
your mother...
Evil supermarket customers
Go On My Son
The Brandy Blues
Which side of the road?
The stomach is mightier than the...
How To Be Smooth Like Sandpaper
D'oh!
Gay-Mart
Dumb and Dumber called, they want their ending back.
It was your mom?
L'esprit d'escalier
The French call it l'esprit d'escalier, "the wit of the staircase," those biting ripostes that are thought of just seconds too late, on the way out of the room-or even, to tell the truth, days later. It's happened to you: you've suddenly thought of just what would put your foe in his or her place, but past the time when the arrow could sting its victim. You've stewed in your own juice ever since, and the chance for singeing repartee is gone forever.
Or is it?
Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde may have had the rapier wit to tweak their tormentors on the spot, but for the rest of us, we offer the Internet's only L'esprit d'escalier web site!
